By
Stanley Collymore
Didn’t I once hear you openly, emphatically and quite categorically
say that from your own personal point of view there was realistically no
conceivable way that you would ever allow yourself to emotionally fall in love
and, furthermore, that being the proud, independent and strong-minded woman
which you most evidently are would you ever consent, and these were your
identical words: “Physically subvert myself or my integral being to any living
man and in so doing, and for the rest of my allotted life, become nothing more
than a highly suitable and, in essence, a characteristically convenient
conveyor-belt deliverer of his much
desired and naturally predictable biological offspring; to whom I would, of
course, immediately and intuitively become the noticeably grateful, constantly
doting and ever buoyant mother, while simultaneously and rather
uncomplainingly, but with no permitted professional career of my own, always
serving at home as his every ready job’s woes or career concerns attentive ear,
and all this attendant with my painstakingly choreographed and earnestly
socially promoted public role as the
lace curtain and sophisticated woman and, obviously, the ever loving and
dutiful wife.
As I vividly and somewhat amusingly recall when you voluntarily of
your own accord made that emphatic and uncompromising statement of yours that
seemingly, effectively and firmly, permanently closed the door and all other
options as regards you cultivating any serious or emotional relationship with
anyone of the opposite gender even though it was perfectly clear to anyone
possessed of an astute brain and securely equipped with a competent awareness
of such things that you weren’t by any stretch of the most fertile of imaginations
either disposed towards becoming or, far worst in such circumstances, were
actually a practising lesbian.
All the same you were a woman in your prime, twenty-eight years old
at the time, long out of your distinctly personality-establishing and teenaged rebellious
years, and furthermore at that age, appropriately, as one would quite unsurprisingly
expect, a matured lady in every respect who was very sensibly and independently
carving out a career for herself, which was entirely of her own choosing, and whose
amazing progress, remarkable development and spectacular achievement had
nothing whatsoever to do with the direct involvement or personal direction of
any one person other than yourself.
So why then, and out of understandable curiosity on my part I must
confess, did you renege on practically everything you previously and earnestly
said and even convincingly specified that you determinedly believed? And
instead now appear to be wantonly and contradictorily embracing the identical
things that you once considered were so infinitely antipathetic to the very
concept of the lifestyle which you previously, famously and quite assuredly
confirmed to persons like me was the sole one that you unstintingly and
unchangeably wanted to live. Your right, of course as it is everyone else’s on
whatever matter that infiltrates their thoughts, to change your mind, as long
as you make the conscious effort to remember that regardless of how exciting
personal dreams are they’re nevertheless only the landmarks to the permanency of
reality!
Whatever one might think of the biblical story relating to Adam and
Eve the good Lord, from my Christian understanding of it, did not impose any
divine prescription, which he evidently could have done had he wanted to, that
these two individuals should necessarily pair up with each other and therefore rather
shrewdly and pragmatically on His part allowed a free choice of a relationship between
the two of them, which would basically be a matter entirely of their own. And
that’s exactly what occurred, and therefore the consequences of their actions
rested solely with themselves.
And it’s the same situation with every one of us. For we’re all of
us endowed with a personal brain and the capacity from birth to be able to
think for ourselves. Granted that this is clearly a developmental process that
can be influenced by others. But ostensibly as one gets older and presumably
wiser the choice is still there pertaining to whether as an individual you
choose to actually think for yourself and objectively, as a result, make your
own informed decisions in relation to all aspects of your personal and
professional lives or instead prefer, for whatever reasons, to allow others to
do that for you.
But even so, while we all have dreams of one sort or another and
are perfectly entitled to live and explore them irresponsibly allowing them to
dictate every aspect of one’s everyday life is not only a grave mistake, it’s
also the height of folly. And getting emotionally and physically involved with
another person for all the mistaken reasons is just as stupid really as
assuming that one can cut oneself permanently off from reality and then call
that living a normal life.
But a word of caution. Whether you get involved with someone or
choose to stay single and unattached that decision, if it’s to really make any
sense, should be yours alone. And if you select to become part of a couple that
doesn’t necessarily mean or should it in any way make you cease to be the
individual that you actually are. Unless, of course, you purposely decide that
you want to become another person’s personal doormat!
So do remember, and constantly so, that in everything you personally
do individual choice and basic common sense should be your faithful watchword
and guiding principle. After all it’s your life! So why let someone, or others,
supposedly or arguably, even with the best of intentions, arbitrarily live it
for you? Your decision. And the best of luck in making it.
Throughout all this and taking full cognizance of the realization that
the intuitive or conscious decision by you not to trust or get personally or
emotionally implicated with anyone might in actuality stem from the direct
influence of the traumatic experiences you’ve undergone at the hands of sexual
predators and/or abusers, whether they’re serial or otherwise, ongoing still or
are incidences of the past, while not an abuser myself nor could I ever imagine
myself being one far less so permit anybody to ever have taken such a diabolical
liberty with me and then because of the power and influence they wield or buttressed
by whatever sick reasoning that their likeminded verminous supporters or
encouragers can come up with to justify or absolve their vile actions and then
have the gall to ludicrously and insultingly posit these as “plausible excuses”
and therefore on my part can’t honestly profess, nor would I ever attempt to do
so, that I truthfully know how you feel or what it is that you’re personally
going through as a result of this onerous travesty of brazen injustice gratuitously
inflicted on you, the answer I do know is not to shut yourself permanently away
from the consequences of reality that you suffered and in all likelihood still
endure.
For in doing so you merely hand victory to your abusers and unwittingly
through this de facto process grant them carte blanche to carry on controlling the
terms and conditions of your life. And quite honestly after all that they’ve
malevolently done is that seriously what you want to happen?
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